Hey Carter Chronicles
by gatehead81
Summary: As we all know Jack has asked Sam a series of questions over the years.Q8: Season 1 or 2 team night and it's random video time, but this time Jack has a question that is so totally bizarre that Sam is not quite sure how to react. Will she play along with his off-duty lunacy when he asks her "Where does the other one go?" Friendship/Humour. All SG-1 feature.
1. Speaking English

**AN: Just a little bit of fun whilst I am waiting for my laptop to come out of the shop. Can't continue Beauty and the Beginning until it gets back as all my work in progress is still on it! So in the meantime, here is something new to chew on...unedited and not supposed to be technically accurate in the most part :) like I said, just for fun...fluffy, silly fun.**

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**SUMMARY: As we all know Jack has asked Sam a series of questions over the years. Here are a few of them, starting with "Carter, how come almost everybody in the universe speaks English?" Series of one-shots that may or may not link together. **

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**HEY CARTER: ****Question 1: "Carter, how come almost everybody in the universe speaks English?" Set in season 1.**

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SG-1 were heading back to the stargate Daniel and Teal'c in the lead with Jack and Sam ambling along quietly behind them. Both of them seemed lost in their own world of thought. "Hey Carter, I have a question?" Jack suddenly blurted.

"Oh really, Sir?" This could be interesting she thought.

"Yeah. How come almost everybody in the universe speaks English?"

Sam stopped short and looked at him. "Do they?" she shifted from one foot to the other. "I never really thought about it Sir, but now that you mention it...maybe you should ask Daniel, he's the linguist."

"Are you crazy Carter? Look at the expression on Teal'c's face. All he did was enquire as to why the men in the last village wore dresses and he has been talked at for the last three miles! Does that look like a happy face to you?"

Sam took the time to watch her team mates. Daniel was indeed in the midst of deep and animated explanation but Teal'c just looked like Teal'c. "He never looks 'happy' as such." she observed "It's not in his disposition to smile."

Jack smirked a little. "No you're wrong Carter. Teal'c never looks happy because he asks Daniel too many questions. I'm surprised his ear hasn't fallen off or something by now."

Sam dipped her head in silent amusement at her CO's mild joke. "Maybe you're right Sir, I don't know but with regards to your question, maybe the whole universe doesn't speak English, maybe we just hear what they say as English?"

They had started walking again and this time it was Jack's who halted proceedings. "What?" he asked, a short sharp sound.

Sam was grinning, she knew that would confuse him. "I mean, maybe the stargate translates what we hear into something we can understand?" she explained.

O'Neill scratched his head and looked in the direction of they were travelling in. "How?" he asked.

"I don't know, Sir."

"But...how?" Jack asked again, Carter's answer made no sense to him.

Sam sighed and tried to think about how she would put her still forming theory into words that he would understand. She began walking again as she thought. "Well you know how when we first went through the gate..."

"To Abydos."

"Right, to Abydos. And we couldn't understand the native tongue, but Daniel had taught a few of them English and then he showed us the cartouche."

"Yeah, yeah, geek paradise, I remember."

"And we figured out that the stargate didn't work from Earth to other places because of the fact that Earth had been cut off for so long experiencing the effects of Doppler shift."

"Doppler, yeah that stuff." Jack said with an air of haughtiness, pretending not only that he knew what she was talking about but her explaining the concept was beneath him.

She smiled at his know it all antics. "Then when we got back I created a new programme using the cartouche data and we were able to open the stargate and go to Chulak, a destination we were not able to open before that. I checked we tried it." Jack nodded, he was anything but surprised at his 2IC's diligence. "Now I realise it was only after we reconnected with the current gate network that we were able to understand what everyone was saying in even though they were from all over the universe."

"Apart from the goa'uld. We still don't understand them, with their 'Kree this' and 'Kree that'." Jack's face twitched and flicked his hand out dismissively, imitating the goa'uld's arrogance.

"Well yes, but I think that is deliberate. They started speaking in code or something and over the centuries it became their own language, one that the stargate does not understand...or they altered the gate network to not translate it or something."

"But that still doesn't explain how the gate does it."

"I was getting to that, Sir." Sam paused for a moment to gather her thoughts. "I think that when we reconnected with the up and running gate network that our super computers received some sort of correlative update." her eyes slid to him, he was frowning slightly, more explanation was needed. "Like when the little box pops up on your PC telling you that you need to install some new software updates from the net."

Jack's bobbed up and down, he understood that bit at lease. "So you think the gate held up a little smiley 'help' paper clip?"

Sam chuckled at the image of the gate displaying an office assist icon. "Basically, yes. And what that 'paper clip' did was install a new version of...um...'Universal Language Translations' for us so that we can understand what is being said out there."

"Huh..." Jack took a moment to digest this information. "You really think that's what that thing does?" He pointed at one of the gates in question that was now in clear view ahead of them.

"It's just a theory Sir."

"But you really think it's possible?"

Sam shrugged, "Well, yes I suppose so."

"Huh." Jack said again. "On one hand that is really kinda cool but on another it is so-o not."

"Why's that Sir?"

Jack puffed himself out a little. "Well I thought that Earth's language was just so awesome that everyone adopted it and it spread right out across the whole galaxy!"

Sam watched as delight at that thought played out across his face. "Well Sir, that might be a possible theory but there is one flaw in it."

Jack looked round at his 2IC, of course there was a flaw in_ his_ theory. "What?" he asked wondering if that was wise.

Sam licked her lip before she began. Shooting down your CO's ideas was never all that smart but in this case it had to be done. "If Earth's language had been the one to catch on and go galaxy-wide it would have been the language of the time, Ancient Egyptian, not English."

"Oh." Jack felt just a little foolish, that should have been obvious, even to him.

"But I like the idea, Sir." Sam offered him. "How amazing would that have been if it were the case?"

"Exactly, it would have been the best! Can't we just tell people that's the way it is? That everyone else can understand us, not the other way around?"

Sam laughed. "Gosh it would be so much fun convincing people that our tiny planet was so important and influential. I really wish we could get away with that."

"Get away with what?" Daniel asked, now that they had caught up with them and were all standing grouped around the DHD.

"Oh nothing Daniel, it's not important. Dial it up, take us back to Awesome Language land."

Daniel blinked at his friend and then stared at his other one who was laughing so hard she looked like she might fall over. Whatever it was it was definitely not 'nothing'. He would probe about until he found out what they were talking about when they got home but first he had to hit the right buttons...

END

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**AN: Okay so first off, this is not purely a DrWho answer. I know it sounds like the whole Tardis scenario and in some ways it is. I came across the concept of this in a discussion between the characters in one of the early SG-1 novels, basically one of them, I can't remember which one asks the other this question and this is part of the answer, but then the story just drifts away from the subject and never returns to it as it is obviously not relevant to the plot. I think it might have been Sacrifice Moon as it is supposed to be set just after Kawalsky dies. But I cannot find my copy to double check...**


	2. Somewhere to be

**AN: So you may have noticed I changed the title to something just a little more ridiculous, seems fractionally more appropriate for some reason...**

**SUMMARY: Here is question two of the Jack asks Sam saga. Set in the SGC a little later in the life of the show, early season 7 maybe...Humour/Friendship**

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**HEY CARTER: Question2 "Got somewhere to be?"**

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Sam Carter was beginning to feel the pressure. General Hammond had stepped up her deadline and now she really needed to go...but this was her CO and he was in a hospital bed. It was nothing overly serious, just a bad case of concussion and a fractured rib or two. He had been badly shaken up but now he was feeling well enough to be complaining vigorously about _everything_...she shuffled her feet.

Jack paused mid-grumble watching his restless 2IC, that was the third time she had checked her watch in the last five minutes. "Got somewhere to be, Major?" he asked politely.

Sam did not speak for a fraction then failed to hide her slight wince. "Actually Sir..."

"You've got a project deadline."

"Yes as a matter of fact I do. General Hammond wants the refined ratio aspects from the MALP and UAV telemetry from P3..."

"Ahh, arrghh!" Jack covered his ears. "Concussion, remember?" he reminded her, last thing he needed was for her to make his headache worse with techo-babble.

"Right...sorry, Sir." She shifted on her uncomfortable chair.

"Just go." Jack said trying his best to sound dramatic. "I'll be fine on my own!" he sighed.

Sam simply stared at him for a moment. He'd be fine alright, that guilt trip would not work today. "Good to know...well...I'll call back later." She rose from the chair and almost reluctantly drifted across the room.

"See ya." Jack half whispered, actually kind of sorry to see her go. "Hey Carter?" he called as she reached the door.

"Colonel?" Sam turned quickly, whatever it was it sounded important, her heart skipped a beat.

Jack did not speak for a moment, deliberately he kept her waiting, holding her eye the whole time. Eventually he found his voice and along with it a cheeky grin. "How far down the corridor do you think you would be right now if I had not called you back?"

"Oh, Sir!" Instantly frustrated, Sam stomped a single foot on the floor and abruptly left. She _hated_ it when he did that!

END

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**AN: Hee hee, naughty Jack, don't tease Carter, she's smarter than you, you'll live to regret it!**


	3. All the way

**AN: Okay so raising the bar to T for this one. Trapped off-world, Daniel awakes to hear a question that he thinks is totally not for his ears. Daniel/Jack/Sam. Humour/Romance. Set any time with in the life of SG-1.**

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**HEY CARTER: Question 3. " Is it all the way in yet, Carter?"**

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Daniel Jackson woke up in the cell the Goa'uld had tossed him in and instantly he really, really wished he was still asleep. He could hear noises coming from the adjoining cell shared by Jack and Sam, quiet whispering noises...noises he was sure he had no business knowing anything about.

"Sir, I can't quite..." Sam's soft voice cut itself off and Daniel heard her heave out a breath.

"Wait, wait, wait...is that better?" Jack whispered.

"Um, yeah a little...perhaps if you moved further down the bed it would be easier."

The springs creaked.

"How's that?"

"Yes, that's the outer edge, I can feel it, you are right there."

"Good because I'm not sure I can wait much longer, I'm actually starting to hurt now, Carter."

"Almost ready, Sir. Just a little longer...oh, ohhh...that's it. I feel the tingling starting again, keep moving but go slow Colonel, don't want you reaching your limit too quickly."

Jack moaned and tensed up a bit, he was sure this whole business should have been a lot easier, it's not like it was the first time he had a girl on top of him or anything. He shifted again, "Is it all the way in yet, Carter?" he asked, it was getting more and more difficult to hold on...he grunted.

"Almost. Yes that's the spot, right there, you got it." Sam let out a prolonged sigh and shifted her position along the tense, muscled form of her CO as he leaned forward slightly. "That's good, the angle is much more natural like that and the movement is just right, it won't take long if you can keep that up." she whispered breathlessly.

Next door Daniel placed his hands over his ears in an attempt to block out the intensifying sounds. The bed was creaking regularly now and both of them were making strangled groaning and panting noises. "Oh dear god!" he whispered to himself, this was so embarrassing. Why oh why had they chose now to sleep together?

After the ridiculously short length of time of two minutes Jack strained out, "Sa-am, hurry would you I can't hold on much longer, please."

Sam voice was pitched at exactly his level. "Yes, yes I'm there Sir, push up hard a couple of times and that should send me over, then you can let yourself go...yes that it...I'm getting off...now, nnnaahhhhh!"

Jack let out a prolonged grunting sound laced heavily with relief and then both of them fell completely silent. Daniel dared to listen into the unnatural silence, he grimaced hoping that now that it was over neither of them was regretting their decision...the lack of communication between them indicated that that might well be the case. Maybe he should say something, but then again maybe that would just make things worse, he bit his lip.

Next thing the archaeologist knew the light above his head disappeared into the ceiling and a sweaty face appeared above him. "Sa-am!" he declared loudly.

"Shhhh!" she hissed urgently. "Move over and let me drop down onto your bed."

Daniel shifted as a fully clothed Sam landed with a thump beside him. He could think of nothing coherent to say. "What the...how did you...I mean...weren't you just..."

She bounced off the bed and shot across the room where she flicked the light switch off. "Quick Daniel we don't have a lot of time, let me up onto your shoulders and then I'll reach down and help you up and we can get out of here."

Daniel looked up at the escape route that she was pointing at. It was now once again occupied "Hurry." whispered the Colonel from the hole in the roof, then he disappeared, presumably off in search of Teal'c.

Sam hauled her reluctant friend up to stand alongside her on the bed. "Bend down but careful though Daniel, the angle is awkward when you are standing up here. Oh and don't stop moving either, there's a residual charge from these lighting systems. It'll zap you if you stand still too long."

Still slightly bewildered and reacting to her insistent hand gestures Daniel crouched down and allowed Sam to mount his shoulders before attempting to get into position to let her reach the high ceiling. "Oof, you're right that is awkward." he said as they leaned in towards the wall making the bed creak loudly.

Sam looked down and grinned. "You should count yourself lucky, the Colonel had to hold himself in that position for way too long while I undid the light fittings and pushed it up inside, you should have heard some of the suspect noises he was making!"

END

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**AN: LOL, Daniel, Daniel, Daniel :) More questions as and when...**


	4. What's The Matter

**AN: I kinda know how Sam feels in this one, didn't quite go as badly wrong was her's but if you've been there you'll get it too...**

**Summary: It has been three days since Sam suddenly became totally miserable and right now, with everything else she as dealing with Jack was determined to fix the problem, or at least cheer her up. Can he find a way? Set after death's of both Janet and Jacob. Jack/Sam Hurt/Comfort; Friendship. Rated K.**

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**WHAT'S THE MATTER?**

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It had been three days since he had found her sitting on the floor of her lab totally forlorn and wanting to cry. Obviously she did not but he could see it in her, she was heartbroken. "Carter?" he voiced, instantly worried about her. Was she once again upset over her father's death, or Janet's?

"Oh hey, Sir. Sorry, I didn't see you there." she heaved a sigh and contemplated rising.

"What's the matter?" he asked, genuinely wanting to know.

It was a moment or two before she spoke. "Oh nothing really...it's just I..." she sighed again.

It was only then that Jack noticed she had something on the ground in front of her, between her knees. He stepped closer.

"I dropped it." she told him plaintively without looking up. "It's broken."

Jack did not ask her what she had dropped instead he crouched down beside her, without touching her and peered at the black object with the fractured side. He kind of recognised it, it was something to do with her geeky science stuff, something computery. "Totally broken?" he asked.

"Yeah I think so." she looked at him, his brown eyes seemed suddenly sad. "I mean if it had landed on the ground it might have been okay but it landed in that bucket of water that I am using to do my experiments in."

For the first time Jack noticed the bucket sitting not far from where they both were and the short trail of wet culminating in the puddle that Sam now effectively sat in. He grimaced, sure he knew nothing about technology but he knew enough to know that water was bad and usually meant death for electronic lifeforms. He sat down properly on the floor beside her and waited for her to speak, he needed to know more before he could figure out how to make this better for her.

"Look." she said and showed it to him. "The side got split on the metal rim of the bucket. I dropped it from up the ladder, I stupidly put it on the top shelf for safe keeping." Carefully she fingered the split. "I really should have known better. Back-up external hard-drives should not be left in places where they can fall down or be knocked down so easily."

"But it's only your back-up right?" he offered optimistically, hoping this would help.

Sam raised her tear bright eyes to his. "No Sir, it's not only my back up, it is my only back up and I wiped my computers this morning to put the new systems on them. This was all I had left."

Jack was beginning to understand. To Sam all of her computer information was more valuable than anything else in the universe and if all of her data had just been lost, well...that would hurt her like taking a staff blast in the side. "Ooh, Carter, that sucks." he empathised.

"It does more than suck Colonel, this had everything on it...all of my personal research, the first draft of my book, my...the...the photos that Mark sent me of the last time Dad ever got to see his grand-kids...everything." Her voice had dropped off so much that Jack had to strain hard to hear it. "It even had stuff that should not really be there." she looked him straight in the eye. "Like my diary and such." her eyes drifted guiltily away from him and he too looked down.

Jack cleared his throat. "Maybe if you let it dry out a bit you might be able to salvage some of it." He really did not know if that was possible.

"Maybe." she responded "But I doubt it. It short circuited in the water, I already had it turned on you see." Sam bolstered herself up against the wall of tears that were threatening to burst. Rationally speaking it was not the end of the world. "I guess I'll just have to cut my losses." she rose to her feet before her true thoughts invaded again.

Jack scrambled up after her. He knew she was putting on a brave front and it really was quite effective, especially when she callously set it on the floor beside the trash can without any hesitation.

"Are you sure you want to-" Her look cut him off and so he did not finish his sentence. "Come on." he told her. "I'll buy you some blue Jell-o." He beckoned her towards the exit.

Initially hesitant Sam followed. "You can't buy me Jell-o, everything is already paid for in the commissary."

"Who said anything about the commissary? We are going to O'Malley's, the Jell-o is better there anyway, right?"

She had to smile at that, at least Jack O'Neill would cheer her up for a bit if nothing else. She would come back and check out the possibility of salvaging her hard-drive later.

OOo

But later was not possible, they got scrambled to a mission and by the time they got back the cleaners had already dumped Sam's precious piece of equipment and ever since then she had been utterly, utterly miserable.

That was why Jack was standing behind her now, grinning from ear to ear. "Carter?" he enquired. "You got a moment?"

"Not really, Sir." Sam responded, she was way behind on everything now.

"Make a moment." Jack ordered softly.

Sam turned round, there was something in her CO's voice that was intriguing. He was standing at parade rest in front of her. "Sir?" she asked, noting his formal stance.

"Ta-da!" Jack voiced with an air of flourish as he pulled an object out from behind his back.

Sam blinked at the familiar box that now had the best part of a roll of shiny silver tape wrapped around it. "Um..." She really did not know what to say, was she seeing things?

"You're welcome, Carter." Jack sang and shoved it into her hands. "And the best bit is it still works...well I mean it's fixed."

Sam's eyes shot up level with his. "It does...it is?" she breathed, no way, no how!

"Yep." Jack bounced back onto his heels, clearly pleased with himself. "I went and dug it out of the incinerator pile myself. I kind of felt bad because it was me who took you away from the mountain, it never would have gotten thrown out if I had not done that." She stared at him in utter disbelief. "It really wasn't all that hard to find." He rubbed the back of his neck, hoping she would buy the barefaced lie. It had taken him the best part of a day to dig it out. "And then I called in a favour from my friend at MIT."

Sam was still rooted to the spot. Had he really done all that just for her? She could not take it in. "And it works?" She knew she was effectively repeating herself. "My stuff is still on here?"

Jack shrugged. "That's what Frank said. What was it..._'was able to salvage all of the data'_ were his exact words. Then he wanted to put it all on a new one but I said no, that you've had that one for years and would probably appreciate it back if at all possible."

Carter felt anticipation buzz through her, he was telling her the truth.

Jack watched as she began to positively bounce around inside. "Go try it out." he told her before she exploded or something.

She was gone in an instant and slowly he wandered over to join her as she plugged it in. It made a loud, not exactly healthy whirring sound and they both grimaced, but then a box popped up on the screen and Sam was clicking away opening and closing various files and destinations. Finally she opened a photograph of the four members of SG-1 and stared at it for a moment. "I can't believe it!"

"Yeah I know, look at Daniel's hair, when was this taken?"

Sam snorted and answered his question. "It was right after we saved the Earth for the first time. Remember you called him 'Space-monkey' and we all went to Hammond's place to celebrate?"

"Oh yeah. And you have more stuff like that on here?"

"Tonnes of it Sir...to be completely honest that was the real reason why I was upset, my research and work is mostly all on paper too, so I could have redone it easily enough but the photographs...I kinda enjoy browsing through them sometimes. She flicked through a few more and stopped at one of the two of them sitting together, his arm casually draped around her shoulder. "Janet's birthday." she whispered with a quiet ache bleeding through.

"Oh yeah, that was a good night." Jack leaned in closer.

"Sure was." He squeezed her shoulder and she knew it was time to change tack. She turned a little in her chair. "So you really dug about in the trash?"

"Yep." Jack proclaimed proudly. "The SGC throws out some seriously weird stuff sometimes."

"Oh don't I know it!"

Jack stuffed his hands back in his pockets and looked away a little. "And...you don't have to worry about your private stuff. I trust Frank and know he would not have snooped or anything. And I definitely didn't. I wasn't even sure it would fully work until you turned it on just now..."

Again Sam smiled. "I know that Sir, I trust you and I trust you're judgement." She stood up and turned to face him. "Thank you so much...I really mean it." She wrapped her arms around him and gave him a tender kiss on the cheek.

Jack flustered a little.

Sam tightened her grip on her CO "And I know this was more difficult to do than you are letting on and one day maybe I'll be able to return the favour somehow." Gosh how she wished she would be able to do that.

Jack hugged his friend back. "Don't worry about it Sam, just seeing you happy is reward enough for me...but maybe sometime we could sit down and look at some more of those photos together?"

"I would like that." She grinned widely. "I would like that a lot actually...but first I'd better make a back up, back-up."

"You mean a back up back-up, back-up?"

"What?" Sam was confused.

"Here, I took the liberty of having it all copied already. There's a lot of data on here Carter, keep it safe and don't put it on the top shelf, or near buckets of water." he reminded her.

"I definitely won't." Sam assured him as she grabbed the copied disks. "You are just..." She shook her head, lost for words and turned back to look at her screen. In all honesty she really, really just could not believe that he had done this for her, it was like a miracle or something. Jack O'Neill really was her hero and she would never forget this, not in a million years...

END

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**AN: Hope you enjoyed that. And yes I know it is unrealistic to expect Sam not to have everything triple back-up up on various systems, but hey, just roll with it okay ;) Thoughts please...**

**and just so you know, my story does not have a happy ending, my hard-drive is still awol with 4 years of work on it :(**


	5. Fantasy

**AN: Getting lots of inspiration from re-watching the reruns of Season 8 over the last two days.**

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**Summary: Fifth in the 'Hey Carter Chronicles.' This snippet is based around...well you'll see :) **

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**HEY CARTER Question 5: "Haven't you ever had like...a fantasy?" Set anywhere between seasons 5 and 7. Pure K rated humour.**

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They were lounging about on a warm, dry planet and Jack, Sam and Teal'c really, really had nothing to do. Teal'c was off to the gate to update Hammond on Daniel's progress...or lack there of in translating the Ancient writings and Sam was stretched out with a book. Jack on the other hand was sitting up straight with his hands out in front of him snipping at mid-air with his fingers. Suddenly he became aware of what he was doing and glanced around.

Carter peered at him over the edge of her book. "Finished?" she asked casually, with a smirk.

"Um...yeah, I guess so." Jack cleared his throat. Carter continued to stare at him. "What?" he asked defensively.

"Nothing!" she declared quickly and pulled her book back up to cover her face.

Jack cleared his throat, he must have been acting things out this time. He rubbed the back of his neck, she must think he was nuts...well more nuts than usual that was.

For another few minutes neither of them spoke, Jack picked at the grass he sat on and Sam simply continued to read her book. O'Neill sighed, he supposed he'd better offer some form of explanation for his behaviour. "Hey Carter..."

"Yes, Sir." She spoke clearly and deliberately, already she knew his excuse for cutting imaginary hair was going to be amusing.

"Haven't you ever had like...a fantasy?"

Sam blinked. "Ahh...well Sir, that's kind of a bit...personal don't you think?"

"No, no, no!" Jack established quickly. "Not that kind of fantasy." His eye flicked to her and away again. "No, I mean something more mundane, ordinary even."

Sam set her book down, "Like what?" Now she really was intrigued.

"Well..." Jack scrubbed his fingers through his hair. "You know...like you are a guy leading just a normal life..." He glanced at her, she looked a little confused. "Like you're, I dunno, a barber in Indiana or something."

Sam's eyes went wide and she chewed on the inside of her lip. "A barber, Sir?"

He nodded, suddenly feeling very exposed.

Sam winced a little. "Honestly Sir, no...no I never have."

"Oh." said Jack, feeling a little foolish. "Never anything like that...maybe a waitress, or a math teacher or something."

"Uh-uh." she said, scrutinising him closely. "And you do?"

Jack was reluctant to say anything more. "Sometimes." he answered cagily. "Not often." he added. "Only when I'm..."

"Bored?" Sam offered into his silence.

Jack contemplated for a moment. It most often happened when he was writing mission reports so yes that was accurate. "Yeah, that's probably it."

Sam blew out a quick breath and cocked her head a little. "Can't say I've ever experienced anything like that, but then you do have a much more..." she struggled to find the right words.

"Careful Major." Jack warned his 2IC before she spoke again.

"Active...imagination than I do." she finished, hoping to get away with her assessment of his mental capabilities.

Jack nodded. "Fair enough."

"It's not a bad thing, Sir." Sam continued. "I mean, especially if it keeps you happy."

"Okay Major, you made your point." Jack was starting to wish he had never said anything.

"Right, sorry Sir." Sam returned to her book but was unable to concentrate. For a few moments she just stared at the page in front of her. "Really Sir?"

"What?" Jack snapped.

"A barber?" Sam stated incredulously.

"Yes." He shot back and snipped a couple of times in the air. "Maybe you should try it sometime." he groused and placed his cap back on his head, pulling it down over his eyes, this conversation was over.

Sam watched a little longer as he defensively folded his arms around himself. "No thanks, Sir." she mumbled to herself. "I think I'll stick to my book."

END

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**AN: He he. And just for the record the episode in question was 'Citizen Joe' S8:E15 More to follow as and when :)**


	6. Do you know what time it is

**AN: More random Jack and Sam fluff. Just a general conversation in which they tease each other a little. Set in season eight. In this one I have them as established and allowed to be together. Oh and the sciencey stuff is gleaned from wikipedia so it might not be 100%!**

**Summary: As is now routine Jack drops in on Sam in her lab, but this time he thinks he can win their almost daily back and forth. Join him and see if he can succeed. Question 5 Do you know what time it is? J/S established. S8. Rated K plus.**

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**Question 5: DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?**

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Jack appeared at her lab door, she was anything but surprised and so she pretended to be completely engrossed in her work despite the fact that all she wanted to do was grin at him.

"Do you know what time it is?" he asked feigning irritability.

"No." Sam replied honestly and then immediately issued a challenge, as had become the pattern of their little game. "Do you know what spacetime it is?"

"Spacetime." Jack repeated as he stepped closer to her table. He set his mind into motion. After a few moments he came up empty and shrugged. "Not the same spacetime as four seconds ago?" he tried. Maybe being a smart-ass would get him off the hook.

"Point conceded but do you know why?" Sam pressed, no way he was getting out of this so easily. She loved teasing him like this and after eight years he loved it just as much as she did.

Jack O'Neill sighed. "Gee I dunno Carter. I never was very good with the whole forth dimension thing, but knowing you it's probably got something to do with non-Euclidian geometry."

Sam's face fell into a puzzled frown, it was just a brief flicker but he saw it and grinned widely at her. "Am I right?" he pushed, rocking casually back onto his heels.

"Sort of." she said, not really knowing what to do with the information he had just thrown at her, or more to the point, where he had gotten it from.

"If I am not mistaken non-Euclidian geometry requires the setting aside of the parallel postulate." he trounced out as if it was nothing new to him, and did a good job even if he did say so himself.

"That's one possible element yes." Sam responded, feeling slightly distracted.

"Ha! I knew it!" Jack exclaimed loudly and slapped his hands together.

"Sir, where did you-"

"You see." he said, cutting her off. "You think I don't know things, but I do!" he enthused wildly, pointing his finger at her.

Sam folded her arms and set her hip against the edge of the counter. His gloating was getting to her. "Fine, if you're so smart what is the original formulation of Euclid's Fifth Postulate?"

Jack's glee faded out fast. "We're not talking about that, we're talking about parallel..." His words faded out faster that his glee, she had that look on her face, the one that told him he was toast.

"It's the same thing General, but surely you knew that?" she condescended playfully. "Well?" she prompted a few moments later when he was done scowling at her.

"Yes I am, you?" he asked trying hard to change the subject.

"If a straight line falls on two straight lines in such a manner that the interior angles on the same side are together less than two right angles, then the straight lines, if produced indefinitely, meet on that side on which are the angles less than the two right angles."

Jack could do nothing but blink as she stuck to her guns and further pursued the topic that he had opened up. He swallowed, he really should have known better than to try to play her at her own game. "Clearly you are not well Colonel if that's what you think the formulation is." he bluffed.

Sam's eyebrows rose high on her head. "General." she said but that was as far as the thought went.

"Okay, okay." Jack conceded. "Fine I don't really know all of the details but I do know we are talking about triangles and you know what else is a triangle?" he asked, hedging towards his main reason for being here.

"No, what?" Sam asked, no longer wanting to continue with the conversation now that it was beginning to get ridiculous, but Jack had a way about him and she was curious as to what he would come up with next.

"A sandwich." He grinned victoriously.

Carter sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Come on." Jack said and grabbed her by the hand. "Lunch time." he ordered.

Sam allowed the leader of the SGC to tug her across the room like a small child. Anyone else and she would have been tempted to flatten them, but Jack was Jack and she as it turned out was hungry.

The General stopped at the door and turned to face her. "Lunch spacetime, if you will."

An exasperated sigh broke through her lips. "Fine, you can have that one. Just stop trying to talk science, it's not a good colour on you!" she told him firmly.

"Well it's not my fault!" Jack retorted.

"And so it's mine...how?" Sam demanded.

Jack started walking slowly down the corridor and she followed, keeping pace. "That much should be obvious...you really need to invest in some better bathroom reading material, Sam."

She laughed and Jack was happy. "There's nothing wrong with my bathroom reading material. There's a whole stack of motorbike magazines in there too." Unable to resist she reached out and touched his arm. "Or better yet, bring your own stuff over. You are there three or four nights a week anyhow, so you might as well."

Jack shrugged a little. "Yeah I suppose I could do, but to be honest when I'm at your place I don't particularly want to spend all my time reading in the bathroom, especially not when there are much more exciting things to be doing." He reached out and slipped his arm briefly around her waist.

"Jack." she whispered and shifted away a little. "We are at work, remember?"

"Oh please." he dismissed and at the same time let her go. "I'm the boss Sam and George got us the dispensation from the President so we don't have anything to worry about."

"I know that but we agreed to keep things professional."

"Yeah, you're right. I'll just have wait then." He pouted at her.

"It'll be worth it." Sam promised him.

"Yeah?" Jack felt himself heat up.

"Oh yeah!" she assured.

"Cool!" Jack breezed. "Will it be anything like that biker chick on page twenty-four because she was hot?"

"Ja-ack!" Sam exclaimed at his brazen sexism. She slapped him on the arm.

"Ah, ah!" Jack chastised. "At work, remember? I'm your superior and you just hit me."

Sam felt her jaw clench, he was winning. "Just get in the elevator...Sir, before I really do hit you! And no more sexist comments, okay?"

"Yes Ma-am!" Jack clipped and gave her a swift salute before complying.

"You can be such a douche sometimes, you know that?" she told him as she stepped in beside him.

"That's General Douche to you Colonel." he reminded her and the doors slowly closed leaving them to laugh in peace.

END

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**AN: Weird little one that, no idea where it really came from...or who won in the end... Jack's end game was to get her to come to lunch, which he did, but he clearly lost out on the science chatter, so you decide...let me know if ya feel like it :)**


	7. What Are You Doing

**AN: Another little one-shot out of nowhere. All this procrastinating is doing my creativity the world of good!**

**Summary: Post series Jack and Sam, established. Jack goes of in search of Sam in their master bedroom, it is time to go but she does not appear to be all that ready yet. Question 7: "What are you doing?" Romance/Humour. K plus rated. **

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WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

* * *

Jack paused in the doorway and wondered if she had accidentally fallen asleep. She was all dressed and ready to go but lying on the bed with her knees bent up, feet slightly apart and one arm threw over her eyes. "Hey..." He was about to call her name and remind her that at this rate Daniel would be there first when a soft smile crossed her face. She was not asleep, she was thinking...and not about science by the looks of it.

The General stepped further into the room and watched her contentedly for a moment. His wife was so beautiful, especially when she was smiling like that. Her smile widened to a full grin and he just had to ask, but not directly. "What are you doing?" he voiced with quiet curiosity.

"Thinking." she retorted without moving and he rolled his eyes.

"About?" he prompted with just a hint of 'I think I know' in his voice.

There was a small pause and Sam found herself holding back an outright smirk. She knew that tone all too well. Usually it lead them straight into things they just did not have tome for tonight. Still she answered with sweet affection. "Your face." she told him.

Jack's brow puckered a little, that seemed a little odd. He sat down beside her, placing a hand on her raised, bare knee. He heart rate lifted, just a little. "What about my face?" he pursued hoping it was going to be something about how they had not lost eye contact the whole time that they last made love. He stroked his hand further up her leg and she sighed wistfully. So they would be a half hour late, no big deal.

Slowly Sam moved her arm to look at her husband. She could see the lust growing within him and fought hard to resist its pull. She pushed herself up, swinging her legs past him and onto the floor before briefly dropped her head onto his shoulder as she spoke again. "I was thinking about your face this morning."

"Oh?" So this was about their wake up session. He grinned smugly to himself and felt his heart flood with the desire to once again satisfy her.

"Yeah..." she sighed as she lifted her head and looked him straight in the eye.

Something in her quirked and Jack narrowed his eyes to scrutinise her more closely.

Sam spoke out quickly, before she lost her chance. "It was so funny when I stole the last yoghurt pot right out of your hand at breakfast this morning!" With that she got up and headed rapidly towards the door. "You coming?" she asked him, looking back and immediately trying hard not to laugh at his unchecked outrage and confusion.

Jack just stared at her, lost for words. He should have known she was up to something!

"If we don't leave now even Daniel will be there first." she told him and watched for his reaction.

"Yeah I know." His tone was scolding but mostly it was directed at himself, he shifted it towards her. "That's what I came in to tell you. And now you've got me all...and you're all..." He waved his hands about indicating that she was ready to go and he could go nowhere...not just yet.

Sam did not quite manage to suppress the cocky giggle that came along with her victory smile.

"Wh-hy Sam?" he wailed childishly, unable to help himself as she practically crowed at him.

"Payback." she grinned.

Once again his brow puckered. "For what?" he demanded, his hands flailing out wider than usual, belying his agitation. What could he have possibly done that would deserve this?

Sam shifted mostly out the door before she answered him with an 'it should be obvious' shrug. "For the ice-cream last night of course!" and then she was gone.

"But..." Jack scrambled up after her. "I thought the yoghurt was payback for that!" he protested as he hurried to catch up with her.

Sam Carter snorted. "Yeah right, like yoghurt trumps ice-cream. Get real Jack!" she told him and opened the front door. "And furthermore, I'm driving tonight."

"But, but, but..." But it was useless to protest, Sam Carter had officially won this round.

END

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**AN: He he, naughty Sam this time...she can be so evil when she wants to be. Hope you enjoyed it :)**


	8. Where Does The Other One Go

**AN: Okay this is absolute silly waffle...so do not expect a masterpiece. I knocked this together in a couple of hours and have not edited it yet so it will probably change a little once I re-read it tomorrow. Just relax and enjoy the insanity that can ripple forth, created by Jack O'Neill's quirky brain.**

**Summary: Q8: Season 1 or 2 team night and it's random video time, but this time Jack has a question that is so totally bizarre that Sam is not quite sure how to react. Will she play along with his off duty lunacy when he asks her "Where does the other one go?" Friendship/Humour All SG-1 feature.**

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**QUESTION 8: Where does the other one go?**

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It was just another typical team night and the guys were all lounging about in front of the television, one of them happier than the other three. They had decided it was lucky dip video night and each of them had brought a preferred choice along. Jack had got 'lucky' and pulled his own video out of the bag and so for the umpteenth time he was grinning while the other three suffered through 'The Wizard Of Oz.' In terms of team nights this was the third time they were watching it. The first time had been a novelty, the second a complete fix and the third time was pushing the limits of even Carter's patience.

The Munchkins were all rallying round singing and dancing and Jack was being as annoying as possible and humming along too. It was just about the time they were urging her to 'follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road.' that Jack realised he had a question. On that popped into his head every time he watched this movie, but at the same time it was not important enough to hang around in his head even long enough for Dorothy to meet the Scarecrow so he immediately began to voice his thoughts. "Hey Carter, you're the physicist right?"

Captain Carter was staring into space, she had no interest in Dorothy and her antics and so was determined to occupy her mind in some other way and the time distortional quantum mechanics of black holes would do just fine for now.

"Sam!" Daniel prompted her.

"Hmm?"

"Ah, Jack has a question I think."

"Sir?" Carter enquired, hoping that her obvious distraction had not offended him in some way.

"Yeah Captain I was just wondering if maybe you could tell me where the other one goes?"

Sam's eyebrows puckered in utter confusion. She looked round first at Daniel and then at Teal'c but one just shrugged and the other offered her a sedentary gaze that was the jaffa signal for 'I do not know.' "Um...the other what, Colonel?"

Jack sighed and shifted on his end of the couch. "You know you really should pay attention, Carter." he mildly teased at her, not that she realised that was what he was doing.

"Sorry." Sam muttered and looked down at the beer bottle in her hand.

"Leave off would you Jack, it's a team night. She doesn't have to pay attention to your every word when she is off duty...it's not fair to expect that off her when she is trying to relax."

Jack pretended to look totally offended by Daniel's passionate and a little pissed off defence of his friend. "I know that, Daniel." Jack informed him with an air of irk that made Sam visibly wince just a little bit. "I just thought she would be paying a little more attention to what is clearly a classic movie!" He leaned forward, partly over Sam so he could see Daniel's face.

Daniel snorted and mimicked his movement. "Maybe in your view it's a classic but that doesn't mean she should have to-"

Sam felt a small burst of anger pushing up through her. "Ah...sitting right here...between you guys!" She pointedly pushed Daniel back a bit, out of her space and threw a disgruntled glare at Jack before pressing herself further back into the centre of the couch to get away from them a little. She hated it when they bickered over her like this, it was annoying.

"Sorry." Daniel muttered and returned back to his beer.

Jack instantly moved on and cocked his head at her, staring intently...waiting.

"What?" Sam growled, her annoyance still a little on the high side.

"Where does it go?" Jack insisted.

"I don't know, Colonel, you have to tell me what _'it'_ is!"

"The red road."

"What red road?" Sam asked wondering if maybe he had hit his head the last time he had went into the kitchen.

"The red brick road...if the yellow one goes to the Emerald City, where does the red one go?"

Daniel stopped drinking his beer and stared hard at his friend. "Ah, what red brick road, Jack." He had watched this movie often enough now to be pretty sure there was no red road in it.

Jack sighed and snatched up the remote.

"O'Neill, it is not necessary to rewind the tape!" Teal'c blurted, he really did not wish to have to listen to the diminutive peoples singing their overly exuberant tune yet again.

"Just relax, Teal'c, it's not too far back." He leaned forward and peered at the reverse skipping until they were all back at the centre of the village and standing on the beginning of the spiralling road. "There...right there, see." Jack paused the tape.

Three other faces stared at the screen, all of them scrunching up their faces to better view the flickering grainy image.

"Jack...that's the yellow brick road." Daniel informed him, casting a doubtful look in the other man's direction.

"No-o!" Jack declared. "Not that one, the one beside it. See here...see how the red road starts at the same place and spirals out alongside the yellow one." Jack was on his knees, tapping the screen in front of him. He tracked the red brick road out with his fingers.

"Oh yeah..." Sam noted, coming down to Jack's level. "There is what could be called a second road here...so where_ does_ it go?"

He grinned at her and she grinned back. "I dunno, Sam, that's why I asked_ you._"

Sam touched the screen, tracing the line of grease that Jack had just made and pondered her answer for a long moment. "Maybe it goes to the Veronica City." she posited.

"The what?" Jack did not understand that. Behind them Daniel and Teal'c exchanged confused and worried glances. This kind of behaviour was not unusual from Jack, but generally Sam just rolled her eyes at him and changed the subject.

"Like the Emerald City, only in purple, veronica is a shade of bright purple."

Jack rocked back a bit, delighted that Sam was so ready to play this silly game with her. "Why purple?" he asked with a curious smirk.

"Well..." Sam licked her lips as she thought about how to phrase her thoughts so that he would understand them. "If we are using the colour spectrum, and yellow bricks translate themselves into vivid green it follows mathematically that red would translate into vivid purple, ergo veronica."

Jack sort of tracked what she was saying. "Okay so basically because green is beside yellow on the spectrum red becomes purple...ha, I suppose that makes sense."

"Of course, Sir."

"We're off duty, call me Jack."

She smiled at him, settling further back onto her heels where they rested on the floor. "So you happy with that...Jack?" she asked.

O'Neill chewed on his lip. "Wait a moment...why not tangerine...The Tangerine City?"

Sam ducked her head, she did kind of like that but... "No, not possible."

"Aw...why not?" Jack sang, clearly disappointed.

"If the yellow road goes towards green end of the spectrum then the red one has to go in the opposite direction towards purple otherwise they would pretty much end up in the same place and we both know that's not the case. We get a good look at the terrain around the Emerald City as Dorothy begins her approach, if it was nearby it would be visible...that and we never see the red brick road again after leaving the Munchkin village, suggesting that it spirals off in the other direction."

Jack shrugged in defeat. "Okay you win, Veronica City it is then and it's in the opposite direction...excellent. Thank you so much, Sam." he enthused as he rose back to his feet before offering her a hand up. "I've been wondering about that for ages and I knew you would have an answer. I just never remembered to ask you."

"You knew I would have an answer...why?" Sam shook her head at him a hand riding out onto her hip, that made no sense.

"Come on Carter, you always have an answer for everything."

"You do know it's just a theory, right Colonel? The Veronica City may not actually exist. The red brick road may just end at the outskirts of the village."

"No!" Jack yelled loudly, shocking her slightly. "Do _not_ blow this for me. I like your theory and I want to believe in it. If I had wanted a theory that was full of boo-hockey I would have asked Daniel."

"Hey!" the man protested, not impressed with being dragged into this utter ridiculousness.

Sam started laughing, Daniel and Teal'c clearly thought this whole thing was total nonsense but it was great fun, she turned back to regard her CO. "Maybe we should watch the rest more closely and see if we can come up with any more theories about the world that is over the rainbow?" she suggested.

"Excellent idea Sam, lets get started!" Jack crowed, rubbing his hands together.

"O'Neill, this exercise sounds most tedious." Teal'c interjected almost instantly.

"Yeah Jack, I'm surprised. That is well over into the realms of geeking out. I thought you hated geeking out."

"It is not!" Jack protested.

Sam bit her lip before speaking. "We-ell...actually Colonel it really is. Taking a well known movie and pulling it apart bit by bit and constructing alternative hypotheses and ideas around the initial premise is so totally nerd-based it is not even funny. Not that to be fair such activities are usually based around the science fiction genre and into the world of fan fiction."

Jack huffed at the two scientist in the room, he did not even know what fan fiction was. "Fine, no geeking out. I do not do geeking out. In fact I don't think I even want to watch this anymore, you have kind of ruined it for me now...thank you very much guys...this is my favourite movie of all time you know!"

"Oh I think we know, Jack. Refusing to put anything else into the option pile kinda speaks to that." Daniel remarked sardonically.

Jack scowled at his team, looking at each one in turn. "Fine, watch something else. I don't care. Sorry for wanting to share something special from my life with you guys!" He dropped down onto his spot on the couch and folded his arms.

"Oh come on now, Sir, don't huff on us. It's all just a little bit of fun...right?" Sam teased, but she did not dare to sit down just yet.

Jack glanced up at the obviously forced look of sweet innocence she was sporting and instantly relented. "Fine, go get more beer and let's watch something else. What did you bring Teal'c?"

Sam, happy with her quick victory instantly headed for the kitchen.

"I have procured for our viewing pleasure...Terminator 2."

"Err...no! Daniel?"

"Rabbit-proof Fence."

Jack looked appalled. "What are you crazy? That is like mega depression-ville...geez! What did Carter bring?"

Daniel immediately reached over the side of the couch and lifted the last remaining tape. "Singing In The Rain."

"Wha-at, that is even worse again! Teal'c you win."

"But, but-"

"Shh, Daniel. Just put it on before Sam comes back. I do not want to be faced with a one in three chance of watching Gene Kelly prancing about with an umbrella, do you?"

"No." Daniel admitted.

"So put it away and put Terminator on!"

Daniel sighed and moved to comply. "Fine, but next time you fix the video lottery my show get's picked okay?" He looked round at his friend as he laid out his ultimatum.

"So long as it's not depressing."

"_Whatever_ it is, Jack...I mean it!" He hovered with the video tape near the edge of the machine.

"Fine, fine, just...hurry would ya?" he hissed as Carter re-entered the room.

Sam paused in the doorway. "Hey, I though we were going to randomly choose what to watch next?"

Jack twitched. "Ahh...we already did and Teal'c won...totally at random."

"Yeah at random...totally..." Daniel echoed and Jack glared at him.

Sam frowned, eyeing them all suspiciously. "So what were you whispering about then?" she probed at them as she crossed the room.

"Ahh..."

"Err..."

"The Veronica City and it's worthiness as a place to visit." Teal'c supplied, looking rather please with himself.

"Yeah, that." Jack agreed hesitantly and noted to himself that Teal'c could really use a lesson or two in inventive lying for personal gain.

"Oh su-ure!" Sam intoned as she passed round the next round of beers, she did not believe that for a second.

The theme tune for Terminator 2 suddenly filled the air. "You guys are lucky I like this movie." Sam informed them as she once again settled between Jack and Daniel. "Otherwise I would so be making you choose again, you bunch of cheaters. _You_ vetoed my video." She pointed directly at Jack when it came to the last remark.

"Who me?" Jack flung his hands in the air, his turn to look all innocent.

"Yeah, you...and Singing In The Rain will be watched at some stage, I won't give up that easily so you better get used to the idea."

Jack shrugged as he reached for his beer. "Oh do you think so, Captain?"

"Yes _Jack_ I do." She pointed used his name reminding him that as they were off duty he held no rank over her when it came to decision making.

His eye slipped sideways towards her as he grinned slowly. "Is that your final answer?" he teased.

"Yes that is definitely my final answer."

"And you have all the answers don't you Carter?"

"You're the one that said it, Colonel."

"We'll watch it next time then Sam."

They smiled and clinked bottles and Jack leaned in closer to whisper in her ear. "And later tonight when Daniel falls asleep and Teal'c heads back to the base maybe we can put the other tape back in and work on some more Veronica City theories."

Sam snorted lightly and settled a little closer to her CO, maybe watching copious re-runs of The Wizard Of Oz was not destined to be such a dull activity after all.

END

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**AN: So...silliness or what? Go on and tell me would ya?**


End file.
